Grant Gilliland

Fizz-Ed, ex-phys-ed teacher at the grocery…

Pardon me, do you give a former gym teacher discount?

An FGTD? Yeah…you know what I speak. The last grocery store club that I was in knocked off ten percent of the grande-grocery total due to my previous experience in the administration. Well, you see I was laid off a year and a half ago due to some financial record-keeping discrepancies…nosey hall monitor types…mattress soilers…they accused me of using the whistle and lanyard fund to finance my model plane addiction! Rubbish…Just because I happen to have just over thirty five 1/50 scale models in my office all of the sudden doesn’t mean I’ve been stealing from anyone! I have resources, you know. I’m an island…covered in sweatpants material…a sweat absorbing island. People always have beef with a fitness guru…my wife even accused me in court of hurling a dodgeball at our milkman. Yeah, so what if he got put in a neck brace? I mean, he really put himself in that neckbrace, when you put your thinking muscles to work on that one. Maybe if he’d listened to his fizz-ed teachers, he’d have known what to do with a serve like mine! I didn’t attack him, I was trying to instigate a little physical interaction! Move! Sweat! Expel fluids! People nowadays have no reflexes, they are all soft and aloof! Instead of acting like a dairy-free frosting puff and dropping the milk all over the ground, he could have put them he-flexes to use…and caught the darn thing between his neck and shoulder. Aat’s what I would have done…easily. Problem was, his neck had nowhere near the correct muscular fortitude to have done that…it was all stringy and useless…All I gotta do is flex! You see that? It’s like a third hand! Yeah but, let the whole dern neighborhood whine about the milk shortage and blame it on me…so typical! I tolds them it’s modern day Darwin-action in motion…you need a milkman with some backbone! I was just helping the community weed out the weak, you know! But what does judge Bailey give me in return for my contribution? Pah! A $400 fine and a milkman job for a year…great. Now I miss Bob Flank’s regularly scheduled Monday morning fly-fishing program for 365 whole days! So, wonderful…now I have to get up at 3:45am to watch reruns and get back up to speed! And I try to make bacon at 3:45am without my smoke alarm going off, but it ain’t happening, kid! It’s like that thing never works at normal daylight hours, but increase room temperature a half a degree at 3:45am and it’s screaming! There are demons in that thing, I swear. So now the wife’s got me sleeping on a tattered cot in the boiler room. Don’t go talking to me about a VCR now, I know how you cashier types are…pushing merchandise on people all of the time, why don’t you try and push some Nautilus weights with your forehead instead? Heh…That’ll do ya. Now toss me my bags, hard!

Harumff!