Grant Gilliland

I went to the neighboring county of Radsville to attend a city hall meeting where the mayor was facing several charges, but first, a few of the people who accompanied me on my journalistic adventure.

My brother Keith has various interests in which he pursues to the creepiest utmost.

Keith: “I think it’s a shame that a grown man can’t peacefully sleep in the hammocks at the Gander Mountain stores.”

Sometimes you just have to skritch ‘em…This stranger made it virtually impossible to hear Keith’s arguements.

Said the stranger: “MMM….eeoow…umph…it’s all like…schhhebang…n’ah mean?”

Bobby listened to motivational speakers mashed up with house beats.

Bobby: “You ever bumped Tim Olney in your Benzi box?”
He also had this photo on him…

Bonardo came to visit last July, he stole all of my coasters.

Bonardo: “Hey pally-o, got any more of those vegetarian corndogs? Don’t tell anyone I like them though, because that’s some fru-fru stuff.”

Gerald Vanderschlitz, thumbs up or thumbs down on Razor scooters?

Gerald: “I once banged my head on a piece of scrap metal while riding, and for two hours I could hear NPR…I could change the radio station by poking my eye.”

And now…The Mayor speaks…He had a strange air of confidence that could only be described as “pungent”. After walking past the podium twice, he laughed for about a minute and a half…dropping his glass of some unidentifiable brown liquid all over his wife’s dog. The tension was palpable.

(An important note: The Mayor had quite a “colorful” vocabulary this particular morning. Let it be known, since it is my intention to keep this blog somewhere near appropriate, all swear words have been replaced with either “happy” or “kitten”.)

Mayor Jared: “All right, let’s get this started…(hack)…Fir…(hack)…er, First of…(eeeck)…all…um…”

“First of all, I want you all to know that I have been briefed on my briefs and all I can really say is good riddance to civilized underpants of all kind. In addition, whoever’s been playing Twister on my backlawn needs to come to the city building and get a permit! I can’t be having all sorts of jumbly-contorty hullabaloo on my property due to the high risk of getting sued if you happens to gets in a position that you can’t get out of! I already have been trying to shake these urinating in public charges (allegations!) and I can’t have my entire career revolve around clearing my decently good name. (Spilling his glass again) Aw, happy kitten! Happy! Happy! Ha…hey gimme one r’more of one of those…kitten. Well, that’s just fine. If you all want to congregate amongst yourselves and talk all this happy about me without letting me know, go right ahead! I’m the one with the pet alligator, remember? I swear, you keep it up…just keep it up, and it’s gator feeding time! Happy happy gators! (Fumbling with his papers) So I think what i’ll do here is put in place a day where all of you can fight me, and whoever wins can be the mayor, ok? Just remember, if you order some crazy happy Tae-Bo or Van Darn dvd to learn some kittens moves, i’m gonna steal them from your mailboxes and replace them with a dirty limmerick written specifically about your mother or old maid…and they will be riddled with offensively bad grammar. If there are no more questions, I am going to do some pushups…Happy day!